the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
