i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
