I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
