i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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