and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
