I'm gonna have a badass scar
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
