you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
