Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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