I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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