those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
