you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
