some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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