Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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