I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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