If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
