She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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