You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
