At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
