i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
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