i just wanna soil my oats bro
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
