My friends, they love my intelligence
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
