I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
