I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You are the jesus of drinking
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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