i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
