My hand turned me down
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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