Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
