They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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