I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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