I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
