my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
