So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
