i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
