I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
