Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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