you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
