The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
