Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
