im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
