marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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