i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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