I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
