I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
