before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
