She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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