Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
