I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
