You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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