Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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