I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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