I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
